March is a rollercoaster..

Well yesterday was my parent's wedding anniversary & I didn't even realize with me so caught up in Finn's 1 year angelversary tomorrow. My dad even called me to invite us out to dinner with them & I didn't realize for what until I saw his several posts on FB about it. On top of that I received some devastating personal family news that I can't share right now. So with me being down in the dumps I decided to go check out a place called DD's Discount that my friend Nydia told me about since she said they have cute cheap plus size clothes. When I stepped inside & took a look around it was pretty much like a well kept up Ross. At 1st with me not being in a good mood I wasn't hopeful, but once I went straight to the plus size area I ended up finding about 25-30 pieces of clothes to try on. I had to go back up to the front just to get a basket. Out of everything, I bought 9 things for $58.90! I would've bought more, but I ran out of $. Finding these deals & fabulous clothes made me feel amazing! Especially when I found a pair of galaxy tights! I had bought some online, received them last month, & they ended up not even coming close to fitting me. So it was like it was meant for me to come in today and find the last pair.

I was so excited to find this! It's like one of those dresses you see
on infomercials where you can make it have 10 different looks!

 

 

I love that I found these for cheap because before buying these I only
had 1 from Torrid that I paid an arm & a leg for, hence why I only had 1.

It has been such a long time since I've found cute tops that actually fit.

GALAXY TIGHTS!

Feeling like new..

Since we've moved here I've bought 2 new pants, a cute shirt, & black zebra/leopard leggings on my own. Then ever since I've been shopping with Nydia I have been shown a new light. So now on top of my previous buys I have 4 new tops, an awesome green leopard dress, & accessories. I'm just so excited about my new clothes! I don't have a lot of clothes as it is now, but a lot of them are really old because I tend to hold onto the ones I've had since HS (2004). It's either because of funds or it's hard to find cute plus size clothes so I hold onto old ones that fit. I don't know what it is about a new wardrobe, but it makes me feel amazing & new.

Aside from new clothes, Trent is buying me an OVU kit today so I can try that out again. Finn's angelversary is coming up on the 12th & I have no clue what to do or if Trent wants to do anything. This is all just so new to us. On his actual due date, which was Labor Day, we didn't do anything special. We just went to a friends house to swim & eat & I ended up holding her baby for 3 hours. lol.

Too soon for hope..

Well Saturday I noticed some spotting, but didn't want to get too invested in it. Then today AF pretty much started. I told myself I'd be ok since we didn't try that much this time around, but it still sucks. I need to hurry up & get back on Medicaid so I can make an appt. with my OBGYN to make sure everything is ok with me. Hopefully that'll put my mind at ease & I'll stop thinking it's my fault I'm not getting pregnant. Sometimes I think to myself that maybe I'm not meant to have kids. I don't want to think that way, but it happens. People say things happen for a reason, well what was the reasoning behind us losing Finn?

Only time will tell..

Here it is Day3 of when my AF was suppose to start. I know periods can lag a bit, but mine are normally pretty much on time. Not saying I'm never late a bit, but I at least spot a bit before it starts & I haven't seen anything. I still haven't had any AF symptoms either. If I don't start by next Wednesday then I will taking a HPT. Fingers crossed!

It's that time again..

Tomorrow my AF is due, but we'll see. With us moving out earlier this month I haven't been TTC a whole lot. I've just been really tired. I'm kind of glad I didn't go crazy this month because I've been stressing out about it hardcore for the past few months & this time around I kept mellow. So if I'm not pregnant this cycle then it's ok or at least I hope I'm ok. One thing I've noticed about this time around is that I haven't really had any AF symptoms like I do before I start. Maybe my body is just being wacky, but I guess we'll see. FX :)

On another note, the pregnancy bundles have started for the year. I actually found out an old friend had a baby the other day & I didn't even know she was pregnant. I'm not upset that she had another baby, just sad that no one bothered to tell me or that it never came up in the past 10months. Then the posts on FB have started of others becoming pregnant & it's really been putting me down in the dumps. I know it'll happen for us when it happens, but it still sucks hearing about others having either their 1st baby or another baby.

All settled in...

Fantastic news! We moved into our apts February 6th! Then since AT&T wouldn't transfer here we had to get Charter, which we just got on Saturday. So I haven't been able to update until now. On Saturday I also got to babysit Jace for the 1st time without having to worry about disturbing anyone at Trent's parent's house. Not that he really disturbed anyone, but I always felt bad if he got fussy & someone was sleeping. Also with him starting to scoot crawl he'll have more room to do so instead of just having our bedroom like at Trent's parents. So far I've only had Lee & Sam over, but I can't wait to have more people visit. I always felt weird having people come over at our last place cause the only place to hangout was our bedroom. As of right now we have majority of things unpacked & put up, but some boxes we had to just put away in closets since we don't have any shelves. There's a few things we still need to get like a TV stand, curtain rods, possibly another couch for more seating, etc. I'm so excited that we're actually back our on our own. I don't know what it is, but I feel like I've been able to sleep better & we've actually been going to sleep kind of early. I really enjoy the freedom of being able to do whatever I want, go anywhere in the house without having to worry about someone else being home, & actually being able to go to the bathroom when I need to. I'm prone to getting bladder infections & not being able to go when I need to sucks in the long run. Oh so onto baby news, we haven't really been trying a whole lot this month just because of all the moving & such, but we're not giving up. I'm glad things turned out the way they did this month bc with dealing with the move I haven't been stressing hardcore about TTC so I'm not going crazy. Hopefully if AF shows up this time around I don't get as upset.

Our lives are a changing..

I haven't posted in awhile, but my AF did end up starting. When it became heavy on Jan. 26th I cried in the bathroom. I was just so sure this was going to be our moment. I'm feeling better now that it's over & that we can just try again this month.

Also I'm excited to share that we got our income taxes on Feb. 1st, so we turned in applications to these all bills paid apts we found & luckily they still had a 1bdrm with a study available! We went a head & put a deposit down so they'd hold it for us. They said that after our applications process we could move in as soon as this week! I'm just so done living where we're at now & ready to be back out on our own. Plus we've talked about marriage & he doesn't want to propose while we're still living with his parents. In July we'll be going on 6yrs of being together & we've known each other for 12yrs. Crazy how time flies! I've always told Trent that I wish we would've gotten together sooner, but then again I feel like we needed to live out our bullshit before getting together♥.

Tried AZO for the 1st time..

So I decided to try AZO for my UTI since I don't have insurance or the kind of $ to go to the Dr to get antibiotics. I took it yesterday & totally had a freak out moment when I peed later in the day. I wiped & my toilet paper was orange! I was like wth is wrong with my period, but when I got up all my pee was orange & then I remember oh yeah that pill. I picked the perfect time to start taking them lol since my period is due. It's hard to tell since I mainly see orange when I wipe, but there was a time yesterday & today that I saw pink. I'm pretty sure that it's my period, but I won't believe it's true until I see it get heavier. I just don't understand how things work. We try our damn hardest to get pregnant & nothing, but the people that are far from wanting children or ready for them get pregnant in a blink. We deserve a baby as much as anyone else, we have so much love to give & no baby to shower in it. I've been trying my hardest not to be stressed out about all this, but sometimes it's hard. Sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball & be done with it all. I feel like a very cruel joke is being played on us. Everyone keeps saying, "It'll happen when it happens", "God has a plan, just trust in him", "Maybe right now isn't the right time", etc. Who is to decide when we're ready or when we deserve to get through a full on pregnancy & receive a precious baby in the end? It should be us, not anyone else.

It's been almost week..

Even though the purpose of this blog is to share our journey, I tried to stay off here for a bit so I don't just keep freaking out & complaining that I may or may not be pregnant. Well AF is due tomorrow night/Thursday sometime. Yesterday I had some durpy not exactly period cramping going on in my lower left belly/groin area & then later on in the night it moved right in the center. Then on Monday one time after wiping from going pee I saw a little light pink. So who knows if that's my "pre" AF "wanna-be" cramping & spotting or pregnancy pains & spotting.

My shopping for the day...

Originally my cousin told me to get Dr Christopher's Reproduction Formula since
it helped her get pregnant after her MC's so I went to GNC, but they didn't carry it.
Apparently you can only buy it online, but I didn't want to wait for it to get shipped to
me so the woman @ GNC recommended me this Prenatal Program.
This bad boy was originally $27, but it was on sale for $16.
Hopefully this helps us along our baby making journey.

After talking to other women about TTC in the MC groups I'm in on FB, I decided to go ahead & buy Pre-Seed. This bad boy was $23 at Wal-greens.
With us TTC everyday it hurts sometimes.
I had thought about lube before, but was scared since majority of them
aren't safe for keeping sperm alive. Hopefully this helps us along our baby making journey.♥

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then as a "just because" I bought these awesome colors!
I love nail polish & painting my nails!
These bad boys were $1.99each @ Wal-greens.

 

 

What I fear this month..

What I fear right now is that all these "symptoms" I think I might be having could just be a UTI/Bladder Infection. I've been having headaches since probably the beginning of this month, constantly having to pee-but not the trickling kind it'll be a full on pee, the coloring is always light-but it's sometimes a little foggy, it sometimes has a foul odor, it doesn't burn when I pee-but sometimes afterwards my 'area' has this uncomfortable feeling, a few times I've felt nauseous, & I've been having random dull cramping. I know if I was pregnant that some of these symptoms I'm having are too early to have for it, but I really hope that this isn't just UTI/Bladder Infection symptoms. I think I have it from the constant baby making we've been doing because it's been about a year since I've had one last. I can't wait for the end of next week to come to see if AF shows up or not. It's killing me not knowing!

All you need is Luck..

Well this cycle has 8-9 days left before either a new one clocks in for the month or if we finally succeeded in our baby making goal! We've been keeping 'busy' everyday since my AF ended January 2nd, except for 3 days which was the 7th, 12th, & the 14th. So I'm crossing my fingers that this is our month. We need all the luck we can get. For some reason my nips are ultra sensitive, I've been having random dull cramping, & I swear I saw some brown spotting yesterday!


When I fell pregnant in 2011, my last period of that year was November 28-December 3rd & I ovulated 9-10 days after. Then the next week after ovulation I started 'spotting' light pink & brown & had random dull cramping for a exactly 1 week. Which by the end of it the next day was Christmas & that's when my AF was due. Since I've never had an implantation bleeding before & really didn't know what it was, I thought my period was just really light & a week early even though it's always on time. With that in mind, I went out & got a tattoo on the day after Christmas not thinking it'd hurt anything since I 'just had my AF' as I had thought. After 2 days passed from my original AF date I decided to go ahead & take a test anyways (while I was on lunch at work mind you) since I was obsessed with taking them. When I saw the 2 lines appear I was excited & shocked at the same time. I thought I might've been seeing things, but the 2 lines were clear as day! I was just so used to only seeing 1 line. Since Trent & I worked at WM together, I took a picture of the test, put the test in my purse, went to show him the picture, & he asked what did it mean since I only took a picture of the lines. So I tried to sneakily pull out the test (so no one else could see) from my purse to show him, & surprisingly he was calm & took it very well. Which turns out that he just didn't want to show emotion at work. As I showed him I'm was trying not to cry while his brother was literally a few feet away from me (he works at WM as well). He just told me that it's ok & tried to calm me down since I was holding back jumping for joy out of my skin. Since I took the test right at the beginning of my lunch I was freaking out & the next thing on my mind was that I had to call my friend Sam. I couldn't even keep it together. All I could say was I took a pregnancy test, she says ok.. & what did it say? I just held my breath because I knew I'd start crying, she then asks did it say no, I just made a nu-uh noise, she was like IT SAID YES!?, & I was like mm-hmm. We had a mini freak out, which was great to have with a girl friend since Trent wanted to keep a professional face at work lol. After I got off the phone with her I immediately called my Dr to make an appointment for a blood test. When I went back to work I just kept my mouth shut just in case I wasn't pregnant. When we both got off work we talked about it & decided we wouldn't tell anyone until after my blood test results. Since Trent had to work the next day I brought Sam with me to my appointment & it turned out I'd have to wait another day to find out the results because they send them off. So I didn't get the call that I was pregnant until December 29th. After finding out I decided that I wanted to be cute & put one of my pregnancy tests in a christmas bag to give to my parents. Trent didn't find out until I picked him up from work. He then told his mom since she was the only one home & she said she had a feeling someone was pregnant because she had a dream about it. After telling my parents they were so excited. I even called my brother & his wife & all I could do was cry. Other than the day I got with Trent, I'd never been so excited in my life.♥

Where it all began..

My boyfriend, Trent, of 5 ½ years and I got our 1st apartment in March 2010. After a year of being there we decided we wanted start a family soon. I was currently on the birth control patch and had been for 8 years so we knew it might not happen as soon as I stopped using it. To our surprise, 5 months later I fell pregnant and we couldn't have been happier. We had already moved out of our apartment in August of 2011 to move in with his parents so we could save up possibly for a house, but since we didn't think I'd get pregnant so quick we had to put that on hold. I was so excited though, that I had already started picking out names. I even made my registry 2 months in. Then the inevitable happened, just 3 days prior to my 15 wk appt I woke up with a sharp pain in my side. I went to the bathroom and my water broke! I had a friend drive me to the ER & pick up Trent at work on the way. After spending the longest 6 ½ hours of my life there we had found out our baby still had a heartbeat, but my water was very low so I got transferred to the hospital. As I laid there getting pumped with fluids through an IV all I could do was cry, hold my tummy, and tell my baby that if it couldn't hold on then it was ok for it to go. The next morning with the ultrasound it showed our baby had passed. My Dr. had decided that with me being as far along as I was then it was best to get induced. (to be continued, it's hard to write this...)